Giving of Ourselves: Generosity in Grappling and Life
"We can give of ourselves and open further, or we can hold back and dry up." –Charlotte Joko Beck
One of the best compliments I have received as a jiu jitsu practitioner is that I am a giving training partner. In other words, I am not constantly concerned with proving how skilled, strong, or knowledgeable I am. I am equally interested and invested in my training partner’s performance.
What exactly does this mean in terms of training? Well, if I am going against a smaller, less skilled, or less experienced person—particularly a new student—I am not looking to make them tap out as many times as I can. If I do that, I won’t learn anything, and my training partner certainly will not.
First and foremost, we have an obligation in martial arts to take care of our training partners’ safety, especially when there is a size or skill discrepancy. Secondarily, we have an obligation to nurture our training partners’ skills and technical growth, just as they nurture ours. If I am rolling with a brand new white belt and I see that they have no idea how to escape from a pin, I won’t simply allow them to sink deeper and deeper into the quicksand.
Instead, I will pause and explain precisely what they need to do in order to escape—using their arms to create frames against my body or whatever else needs to be done. Then we’ll keep going. By helping them (instead of going straight for a submission), I am also helping myself by developing a more skilled training partner who will probably one day give me a run for my money if they choose to stick with the art.
On the other end of the spectrum, a mature grappler also needs to know how to train with someone who exceeds your skill level, experience, or physical capabilities. Just like you don’t want to try to tap out a new student as many times as possible, you also don’t want to be driven by your ego when grappling with people who can beat you. Naturally, none of us like to lose in grappling, especially those of us who compete. As one of my coaches said, you have to have a healthy ego in order to do the sport. Key word: healthy. Don’t believe your ego’s bullshit or let it guide the way you train.
I’ll give a short anecdote from one of my old friends and training partners that illustrates the point. My friend had the opportunity to grapple with Gordon Ryan, one of the greatest grapplers of all time. My buddy, a very strong and physically imposing black belt, wanted to test himself, so he gave Ryan everything he had. He was looking to impress the world champion. Of course, the champ easily averted all of his attacks and tapped him out repeatedly.
In the process, my friend couldn’t even really tell what was happening to him because he was so focused on serving his ego—i.e., trying to impress Gordon Ryan. Later in the training session, he asked Ryan if they could roll one more time, and the champ graciously acceded. In that second round, my buddy let his ego drop off and simply went with the flow. Undoubtedly, he still tapped out several times; however, without the burden of his ego seeking approval, he was better able to observe and appreciate precisely what Ryan was doing to him. In other words, he had a chance to peer into Ryan’s Musashi-like mastery of the art.
Overall, if you want to learn and grow in martial arts or in life, you have to 1) constantly give of yourself rather than hold back and 2) leave your ego at the door. What you put into the art (any art) is what you will get out of it; it is all on you. The most that a coach or mentor can do is guide you.
Be generous with the gifts of your knowledge, and also take your losses and adversity as gifts; in martial arts competition, your losses are gifts in the form of your opponents’ superior techniques. As I and many others have argued, the power of shiai (competition) lies in the knowledge and skills that you gain.
In martial arts, creative arts, and life overall, how you handle losses and adversity says everything about who you are as a person. So does your treatment of your training partners, collaborators, and really anybody you encounter.
Will you give of yourself and open further? Or will you hold back and dry up?